Dear Future Employers,
I hate my current job. Am I good at it? Yeah. Yeah I am, big time. Am I good at everything? No. Don’t ask me to canoe, cut my own bangs, or eat ice cream without getting a headache. Can I do everything else? Yeah, probably.
Here’s my situation. I just graduated. Did I get good grades? Uh yep (85.8% average). Were my parents proud? Yes. If you’re interested, I can send you my resume and a photo of my Mom sobbing at my Graduation. I was given a special award. Tears of success. TRIUMPH TEARS. If you hire me, you and I will also share those tears. STAR SNIFFLES.
School is over, and I have a job that I hate (although I am very, very good at it).
Enter YOU, my future employer, with an amazing opportunity, a fair wage, and hopefully a cool nickname (buzz, moose etc.)
Why do you hate your job so much, new friend? Here’s why! It’s boring. I’m bored at it. I’m a receptionist. The phone never rings, and my shifts have been cut to two days a week. SO REALLY, you could say my job is UNPAID BACKYARD LABOURER at my Mom’s house on my five days off. That’s my job. I mulch gardens so my Mom can play Zumba on Xbox and talk to her friend Dawn on the phone for 45 minutes about her new front loading clothes dryer.
I’m organized. Very organized. Not in an annoying way either. You know what I mean. Can I handle stressful situations? WHOA. Ask me what I went to school for, JUST ASK. Team player? Yeah I can be a module to your faction. Can I use a thesaurus? Go back two sentences. Are you punctual? Yep. Self-Starter? I am writing this now, of my own accord.
Sales postion? I am the Hakeem Olajuwon of Sales. Bar staff? I am the Hakeem Olajuwon of Serving. Googling sports icons to make sports references? Hi, I’m Hakeem Olajuwon.
Let me be your Hakeem Olajuwon.
Please hire me, get me out of my Mom’s backyard and into your place of employment.
One thousand thankyous,
*Reference letters, Resume, Photo of my Mom playing Zumba available upon request*